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"GO STRAIGHT TO THE HEART OF DANGER, THERE YOU WILL FIND SAFETY.”
 SIFU LARRY HARTSELL

 

INTRODUCTION   Written by Admin

PARADOX

IS IT AS IT APPEARS TO BE?

Happiness is not a thing to be sought. The more you seek it, the more it alludes- happiness will come to you as long as you allow the present to roll while you savour each moment, both the bitter and the sweet (Krisnamurti).  

There are areas of one’s life that often cause great difficulty. The kind of difficulty that gnaws at your heart. As onerous it may seem, we need to appreciate, even bless these events, because your allowing them to flow, moves you closer to knowing your own soul, to be in Universal presence. 

It seems that things from the past are what knock me off   balance. Keeps me from staying in the present. In order to move forward, I cannot stuff down the ghosts of the past, but deal with them, so they cannot effect the present. 

As a personal example, I was feeling particularly melancholy this morning. I had a good night sleep, but awoke with a great anxiety that I could not identify. I did what I always try and do, that is put a “feeling” to it. I started with melancholy, because that is a pretty good catchall phrase. But I felt compelled to dig deeper. Writing seems to always calm my nerves. As soon as I commenced writing, anger began to arise. Something in a prior business experience had crept up on me.

Without the boring details, a client, who had not paid me for my services, had betrayed me. I don’t carry grudges, or should I say that I don’t like to think that I carry grudges, so 8 years later a representative of this firm approached me and asked if I would be willing to work on some cases. I agreed, but with the caveat that I would charge a discounted rate as consideration for payment of my invoice upon presentation. “Sure, no problem!” Let’s get to work. To jump forward, it took me two weeks of lowering myself to almost groveling for payment.  When I did get paid, I was told by the company bookkeeper that policy was that vendors (me) did not get paid until the client had paid their bill to the law firm. I explained my agreement. She reluctantly cut me a check, stating she was making an exception. All the while, I continued to work on their cases. I sent e-mails with reports and questions about proceeding further on certain matters. NONE of them were answered. I then slowed down on working their cases. I had a bad gut feeling about this.

A few days ago I received an e-mail stating they were “concerned” about the amount of money being spent on a particular case. A case in which I had been giving constant updates, but receiving no feedback.  Mind you, I had not sent a follow up invoice. In fact, I discovered that NONE of the clients for whom I was working for had the money for my work on their cases.

I set a conference call with the attorney for next week. Mind you my first inclination was to bundle up all their work and send it back to them. Then I was reminded of the story of the frog and the scorpion.

I was feeling betrayed.  But was I really. I cannot recall who said this, but its message is very succinct “All you can ask a person to do is to identify themselves.” I knew who this person (firm) was, a scorpion, yet I allowed them to climb on my back for another trip across the river. It is not their fault for being a scorpion, but it is my fault for allowing them to sting me again.

 The main thing to consider is whether I am to be a prisoner of my past. I won’t be. I have taken the time to inventory my past misdeeds and certainly have not allowed these things to interfere with the present. Now I allow myself to be aware of the sadness, the betrayal. I am simply aware of the past.  And I do not let the past interfere with the present, because then I find myself living in the past, and by not acting out in the future, I also remain in the past. A good lesson for all to follow.